Blessings

It is only 12:30 p.m. here and it has already been a rough day.  There have been a few tears and a few, "why me's?" in the past hour.  I honestly believe that it is much easier to feel sorry for yourself than to focus on the positive.  When my dad passed away, I sank in to a deep dark place that was extremely hard to get out of.  I mostly focused on how sad I was, wondered why bad things were happening to me, etc.  Those thoughts are normal, and I do know that, but there were so many other things in my life that I should have been thankful for....and I wasn't.  As I find myself back in a not so ideal predicament, I am trying to focus on things that I am thankful for....and I've started to realize that I have many blessings!

Here is a list of just a few of the things I am thankful for on a daily basis:

1. Chris: I thank God every single day for bringing him in to my life.  He is always there to listen and give advice (even if my drama stresses him out...haha) and he always seems to make me feel better no matter what is going on.  
2. Cox Family:  Another wonderful thing about Chris is that through him I have met his amazing family.  They immediately welcomed me and have made me feel so comfortable and like I'm already a part of the Cox clan!  His parents are always there if I need anything and his brother and sister are always so much fun to be around!
3. Friends:  I have always had wonderful friends that I have grown up with, but I also have a lot of great friends in California now!  Emily and her family have been such great friends to Chris and I and I honestly don't know what I would do without them.  Even though we've had our ups and downs, I know that I can count on her no matter what, and I hope she knows the same goes for me!  Nichole is another person who I am so grateful to know.  Even though everyone thought our friendship was weird at the beginning, I am so glad that we decided to get to know each other anyway...because she really is an amazing person and friend.  We're lucky to have her in our lives.
4. My Dad:  Even though he is no longer with me, I feel his presence every single day.  Every time I want to do something I think, "what would my dad do?"  "would he be proud of me?"  He has so much influence over my daily activities and I am so blessed to call him my dad.  
5. My family:  Over the past few months Sam and I have grown extremely close, and I am so thankful for that.  I love her to death and I am so proud of the woman she has become.  My older sister Julie is also a big part of my life.  I'm glad she is always there, always supportive, and is the best big sister a girl could ask for.  I'm also thankful I've been able to reconnect with my cousins, aunts and uncles, and Gran because having a big support system is important to me.  They truly are all people that I love and I can't imagine not having them around.
6. Material Things:  This is probably a weird one, but I am thankful for all Chris and I have.  We have been blessed with his amazing job that lets us live as comfortably as we do.  Because of his job I am able to go to school and study photography which I am extremely passionate about and we are also able to take trips, buy things out of want instead of need, and it also lets him progress with his hobby (world of warcraft!).
7. Chris's Job:  We are very blessed that Chris has a job that he loves.  For a while, Chris was stressed over Boeing (especially when we lived in Seattle), and Radient Blue has been such a great company for him.  Thanks to his friend Crystal, he applied with this company and he really likes the people he works with and the jobs he does (even though he can't discuss a lot of his daily activities with me!).
8. World of Warcraft:  Okay, so I never thought I'd say this, but I actually am happy that he has this hobby.  Even though the game sometimes drives me crazy, I love all of the people we've met through it.  Without this game I would have never met Jesse and his wife Jennifer, Shiva, Dave, Andrea, Mana....gosh, the list could go on and on and on.  They are all such wonderful people, and so crazy and fun!
9. Kelly Cox:  I could probably go on and on about how great Chris's mom is...but this post would be entirely too long!  haha!  But...because of her, I have come to find a hobby that I love and something we can do together when I'm in California....crafting!  She is so incredibly talented in whatever she does and I am constantly stalking her blog to find out what amazing project she has come up with!  I also have to say this about her, she is so kind and sincere...I don't know anyone else like her!  
10. God:  How could I forget our Creator?  God is my strength that gets me through every single day.  Even though I am not a perfect Christian, HE still loves me for trying.  I know that with God, anything is possible and HE is always with me.  I thank HIM every day for this life HE has given me and for the people HE has brought into it.  God is always good!

Whenever I am having a hard day, this post will give me hope.  I know that I forget all of the blessings that God has provided me and that it is always easier to feel sorry for myself than to think of all the good I have.  Writing this has made me realize how lucky I am, and that God will never give me more than I can handle.  What are you thankful for today?  

It Always Gets Better

It is so easy to pack up ill feelings like we do with boxes of old toys or clothes. We put them away and hide them in the back of our closets, forgetting about them until we start purging the house of unwanted belongings. Once those old feelings are brought out into the open for the second time, they're even harder to deal with. They leave a vile taste in your mouth, a queasy feeling in your stomach. You know that you have to eventually have to deal with these issues but the question is, do you even want to? Of course you don't. Those feelings make you feel awful. And some of the time those feelings that are brought back up are painful.

I feel that way every time something reminds me of a bad experience I had in the past. I have realized over the past few days that I have a hard time letting go of things. To be honest, I have known that about myself for a really long time but I just never wanted to deal with it. I don't know why I can't forgive and forget, but I feel now is the time to share the story of why I feel this way.

I have never been shy about the fact I was bullied as a child. I had huge glasses, really long hair, weird clothes (thanks mom...haha), and I was tiny (still am)!

I was called four-eyes until I started wearing contacts, in fifth grade I was playing soccer at recess and a really tall kid came and tripped me to get the ball and I flipped in the air and landed on my back, ninth grade none of my friends talked to me for a few months, and in tenth grade I got a hate note from people that I considered my closest friends. The funny thing is, I'm still friends with the people who did all of this to me, but what they don't know is that I have never forgotten. Not one bit of it. I guess I hold onto it because I know it has made me a stronger person. I have been at that low point, the point where you feel that it will never get better. I know what it's like to dread waking up in the morning and going to a place where no one likes you, you're an outcast, the focus of all the bullying. Its not a pleasant feeling. In fact, it is downright disgusting.

Walking down the halls of Culpeper High School I remember thinking that I had it bad, but there was always someone who had it worse than me. There was one girl, Stacey, who was extremely overweight and ridiculously tall. She never talked. I really do not believe I ever heard her say a word. Every day I would pass her in the hall and say, "Hi Stacey!" I never failed to do this, because I wanted her to know that she had someone who cared. I don't know if she was bullied, I don't really know a thing about her, but I always felt bad because she was so quiet. Maybe she was shy, but I guess I will never know. I always wished I had someone who would step up and care. It was hard to get through the day because I dreaded every single day of school. I just could not understand what was wrong with me. I mean, something had to be wrong if people did not like me right? Wrong. These girls (yep…girls are the worst!) preyed on the weak and innocent, and got a kick out of making others (like myself) feel bad. It is what they lived for in high school. They thought it made them look cool. In reality, they were the ones that missed out on so much by bullying. They missed out on me.

Through all of this, I was/am thankful for the family God blessed me with. Once my parents realized something was wrong they ended up pulling me out of the Culpeper school system (Sam too). My 11th grade year started at Madison and that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I had good friends and was involved with people who had a really good influence on me. I was happy for the first time in a really long time, and I was so grateful that my parents were involved and took action when they saw how unhappy I was. There were still some hard times, I won't deny that, but what happened at Culpeper made it easier to deal with. There have been things in the past year or two that have happened that remind me of those hard times in High School. It brings back all those bad memories, and I start to feel my defenses rise up again. I will always stand up for myself. I will never back down and let people walk all over me again. I use to be a push over, but I feel like I'm starting to leave that part of me behind. I'm not denying that I have a long way to go, because I do! I think that I hold onto all of those feelings and memories, because I don't want to go back to that. It hurt to go through it, and it hurts to remember it. But, I always think of how lucky I am to be in this place in my life. I'm back in school, I have Chris who is amazing, my family is crazy but great, and I have many wonderful new people in my life who I love with all my heart. It always gets better. It had to, because God never gave me more than I could handle