It Always Gets Better

It is so easy to pack up ill feelings like we do with boxes of old toys or clothes. We put them away and hide them in the back of our closets, forgetting about them until we start purging the house of unwanted belongings. Once those old feelings are brought out into the open for the second time, they're even harder to deal with. They leave a vile taste in your mouth, a queasy feeling in your stomach. You know that you have to eventually have to deal with these issues but the question is, do you even want to? Of course you don't. Those feelings make you feel awful. And some of the time those feelings that are brought back up are painful.

I feel that way every time something reminds me of a bad experience I had in the past. I have realized over the past few days that I have a hard time letting go of things. To be honest, I have known that about myself for a really long time but I just never wanted to deal with it. I don't know why I can't forgive and forget, but I feel now is the time to share the story of why I feel this way.

I have never been shy about the fact I was bullied as a child. I had huge glasses, really long hair, weird clothes (thanks mom...haha), and I was tiny (still am)!

I was called four-eyes until I started wearing contacts, in fifth grade I was playing soccer at recess and a really tall kid came and tripped me to get the ball and I flipped in the air and landed on my back, ninth grade none of my friends talked to me for a few months, and in tenth grade I got a hate note from people that I considered my closest friends. The funny thing is, I'm still friends with the people who did all of this to me, but what they don't know is that I have never forgotten. Not one bit of it. I guess I hold onto it because I know it has made me a stronger person. I have been at that low point, the point where you feel that it will never get better. I know what it's like to dread waking up in the morning and going to a place where no one likes you, you're an outcast, the focus of all the bullying. Its not a pleasant feeling. In fact, it is downright disgusting.

Walking down the halls of Culpeper High School I remember thinking that I had it bad, but there was always someone who had it worse than me. There was one girl, Stacey, who was extremely overweight and ridiculously tall. She never talked. I really do not believe I ever heard her say a word. Every day I would pass her in the hall and say, "Hi Stacey!" I never failed to do this, because I wanted her to know that she had someone who cared. I don't know if she was bullied, I don't really know a thing about her, but I always felt bad because she was so quiet. Maybe she was shy, but I guess I will never know. I always wished I had someone who would step up and care. It was hard to get through the day because I dreaded every single day of school. I just could not understand what was wrong with me. I mean, something had to be wrong if people did not like me right? Wrong. These girls (yep…girls are the worst!) preyed on the weak and innocent, and got a kick out of making others (like myself) feel bad. It is what they lived for in high school. They thought it made them look cool. In reality, they were the ones that missed out on so much by bullying. They missed out on me.

Through all of this, I was/am thankful for the family God blessed me with. Once my parents realized something was wrong they ended up pulling me out of the Culpeper school system (Sam too). My 11th grade year started at Madison and that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I had good friends and was involved with people who had a really good influence on me. I was happy for the first time in a really long time, and I was so grateful that my parents were involved and took action when they saw how unhappy I was. There were still some hard times, I won't deny that, but what happened at Culpeper made it easier to deal with. There have been things in the past year or two that have happened that remind me of those hard times in High School. It brings back all those bad memories, and I start to feel my defenses rise up again. I will always stand up for myself. I will never back down and let people walk all over me again. I use to be a push over, but I feel like I'm starting to leave that part of me behind. I'm not denying that I have a long way to go, because I do! I think that I hold onto all of those feelings and memories, because I don't want to go back to that. It hurt to go through it, and it hurts to remember it. But, I always think of how lucky I am to be in this place in my life. I'm back in school, I have Chris who is amazing, my family is crazy but great, and I have many wonderful new people in my life who I love with all my heart. It always gets better. It had to, because God never gave me more than I could handle